Three Women and a Failure
by DarkAngelSnapeLover
Summary: Alan is married again, but as you can see from the title, things do not work out. R&R please


THREE WOMEN AND A FAILURE

"Previously on _Two and a Half Men_," Charlie smiled to the audience. He then clicked his remote to reveal the previous episode. "My brother married dumb ass number three, or maybe the title should be reversed."

"I do!" Alan and his new wife, Meryssa, said together. Jake and Charlie yawned simultaneously behind Alan, but then Charlie shot a glance towards Meryssa's bridesmaid Betsey.

"And they took the big plunge and decided to move in," Charlie smiled from his couch. "Dumb ass mistake number two," he muttered.

"Isn't this great? Our own condo!" Alan smiled. The two laughed and began moving into their condo.

"And I…found the queen of one-night stands, Betsey," Charlie grinned. "Damn she was hot AND good in bed," he grunted. A scene of them turning off the lights in Charlie's room appeared. "So, you missed a lot. Maybe you should tune in more."

"Uncle Charlie? I thought you said my dad was picking me up," Jake called to Charlie from the kitchen.

"Do you remember that wedding we went to?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with my father?" Jake asked.

"Kid, if you don't start paying attention, both of us are going to be in some serious trouble."

"What does my paying attention have to do with you?"

"Ugh, I give up. Jake, you know that girl on the beach I won't let you talk to because she's too innocent for your dirty hands?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah," Jake muttered.

"Well, go get her," Charlie smiled. Jake ran out the patio doors and jumped off the deck. Charlie grinned. "Dumb ass number two makes dumb ass mistake number three," he muttered. Berta then arrived with the week's groceries.

"I got chocolate ice cream for Zippy. It was on sale for once, and I figured once the wife got to dumping him, he'd be back for it," Berta laughed. Charlie nodded.

"You were always the planner in the house," Charlie smirked.

"Damn straight," Berta said sternly. "By the way, they were out of your condoms you always use. I asked the stock boy about him and he said they stopped making them."

"What? After all of my business they hold out on me? The run away? Damn that condom company, damn them!" Charlie exclaimed. The phone rang. "I'll get it. Hello?"

"Charlie, it's me, Alan."

"Alan, you're my brother, I can recognize your voice. Besides, only you would wake me up this early."

"Charlie, it's three in the afternoon."

"And? I just woke up! What do you want anyway?"

"Meryssa is amazing! Do you know what we've done every day for the past month? We've had real sex! We had sex for two straight days once, and then her period interrupted, but we kept going! Oh, this one has to be a keeper," Alan said happily.

"You said the same about Candy and looked what happened. Besides, your son is looking for you. He wants to know why you haven't picked him up."

"Oh God, I forgot! Wait, it's not on the calendar."

"Two bucks says the broad erased it," Charlie smirked. Alan scoffed.

"You're just mad because Betsey left you in the middle of the night."

"Well, I would've done the same to her. Besides, that broad was amazing! And she left her number. I'm using your old cell phone to call her as soon as I'm open for another one-night stand," Charlie smiled.

"Aren't you missing the point? She dumped you for a reason! Charlie, I really think you should settle down. You'll be lonely when Jake leaves in a few months."

"You're beginning to sound like Mom. Wait…Alan! Just keep reaching! Push! You can make it out of her again!" Charlie yelled.

"That's not funny, Charlie. Oh, tell Judith that she can have Jake this weekend. Meryssa and I are driving to Portland to see some of her friends."

"Do as you wish, but I will not call her and have to hear that damn baby in the background. You know what, I'll take care of Jake. No man or boy should have to deal with that…infant," Charlie scowled sternly.

"Fine, but you stay on top of him. He is not to leave that house unless you know where he's going," Alan said sternly.

"What if we both are leaving the house and neither of us know where we're going?" Charlie asked.

"Then don't leave," Alan said sternly. "Charlie, Meryssa is calling me. I'm hanging up now."

"Fine," Charlie said defiantly. "Hang up the damn phone. It's not like I've never done it to you! Inconsiderate jackass," Charlie said angrily, slamming down the phone. "He finds one more drunk chick and drags her into his grip, and suddenly he can tell me what I should and shouldn't do in my life, or what I should do with his son? What the hell? Berta, am I or am I not a grown man?"

"You're very grown," Berta smiled. "And broke, too. Your balance is getting low again. You better get back on that corn chip diet again."

"No, I'm taking Alan's utilities and shutting them off. He can't come back, he will not come back." **

"Why are you back?" Charlie asked.

"Oh, Charlie!" Alan bawled. "She's terrible! I thought I was marrying a woman, but she acts just like a man."

"Well at least she isn't a man," Charlie smirked.

"You're missing the point. I've failed again, Charlie. There is no hope for me. I'm destined to be alone, a single dad with an inconsiderate son and three ex-wives who think I'm Ted Turner. Oh, I don't know why I keep going like this!"

"Because you've got too many goals. I have no goals in life, well one. I want to get laid, and other than that, I throw caution to the wind. You, my friend, need to lower your goals. Who cares if you don't find your soul mate? At least the ride will be fun."

"But what if the ride rots off your penis from the inside out?"

"Then you've done a good job," Charlie smiled. "But the point is, maybe you were trying too hard, or going too fast. Besides, no woman makes a complete turnaround in her personality as drastic as you're describing. Are you sure she's not a twin?"

"Positive," Alan said sternly. "The woman is a barbarian, Charlie. I walked into our bathroom to shave with her, maybe take a shower with her, and she called me over to the potty nook. So I go over there, and she is bent over, and she farts directly into my face. It's not funny, Charlie. She knocked one of my contacts out."

"Yes it is!" Charlie laughed. Alan sighed.

"That wasn't the worst part! We ate Mexican the day before yesterday because we can run naked to their drive through and back before the cops come, and she sat there and kept burping in my face. Her breath could make a dog kill over. And, get this: she doesn't shave! Her legs feel like my pubes only pricklier. I'm telling you, she's like Madam Caveman. Only Bigfoot could like this woman and stay with her."

"I'm sure it's just a test, to see if you're going to be there for her."

"I will, Charlie, but…she's disgusting, and even more so when we're drunk. When we went to Portland, she had a few too many. We were in the hot tub, and I thought it was turned on, you know the massaging jets? No! She was passing gas and yelling 'Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi!' She's disgusting, and I'm filing for divorce."

"I say you beat her at her own game," Charlie smiled. "Since she thinks she can be disgusting in front of you, YOU should be disgusting in front of her. Dig in your ass, pick your nose, grab at your nuts in the kitchen with a pair of tongs," Charlie smiled.

"You've done all of those things."

"Exactly! Run her off the easy way! This broad can't stick around you for that long doing all of those nasty things! Now, how many days are you away from her?"

"Two weeks," Alan sighed. "She's in London for a company meeting for nine days, and then she's going to Rome for another."

"Good. No more shaving, waxing, nothing, and I'm going to teach you how to be a revolting slob. Tip number one, your son is the best teacher. With that said, I was in the middle of something. Bye, Alan," Charlie smiled.

"So you're just leaving me here?"

"Yep."

"With Jake? And his repulsiveness?"

"Pretty much," Charlie called from the stairs. Alan sighed and began his training.**

"Alan? Is that really you?" Meryssa asked.

"Yep. I've really gone and lost it without you," Alan sighed, burping loudly.

"Alan! We're in public! Can't you contain yourself?"

"What's the point? Without you I'm nothing," Alan whispered, scratching the seat of his pants.

"Alan! What has gotten into you?"

"I should ask you the same. You made the same change for me. I thought this was what you wanted, a revolting slob like yourself," Alan said monotonously. Meryssa slapped him across the face.

"I thought I married a sensitive, caring man, but obviously I made the wrong choice. We're getting a divorce!" she screamed. "I hope you like living with your pathetic brother!"

"I do!" Alan screamed after her. He then called Charlie. "Yeah, get my room ready. I'll be there in an hour," Alan sighed. He then began walking out of the airport, carefully avoiding the change being thrown at him.**

"So, did you learn your lesson?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah," Alan whispered. He was clean shaven again and back to wearing his usual clothes.

"Well, you pulled it off very well. Anything I can do to reward you?"

"Not sleep with my attorney or her secretaries this time," Alan whispred sternly. "She's going to fight me tooth and nail for that condo and what little I have left from Judith AND Candy. Something tells me we'll be roommates for a long time," Alan smiled.

"God I hope not," Charlie groaned, shuddering visibly.

"Why not? We're a good team!"

"Well…wingmen are great, but…you're not so good. Whenever you figure out how to snap like the Fondz and get woman to fall over you, I'll call you. Until then, I need to get you out! Damn, Alan! There's only a matter of time until Jake gets married then kicked out just like you. Then, where will I be?"

"You'll have two extra men to help you out," Alan smirked.

"Try hurt me! Damn, Alan, I'm not a charity!"

"Yeah, you're a friend without benefits."

"Whatever. I've made sacrifices for you, Alan. Starting this month, you're helping with my grocery bills. Your damn son pretty much went to the bank and ate whatever was in it. What are you going to do about that?"

"Fine," Alan whispered. "But you've got to help me, Charlie. I need a woman. I hate being alone."

"Don't cry on my shoulder, Alan. It's not sexy," Charlie said sternly. "Fine, we'll work on it, but not right now. Betsey's coming over, and I've got to get ready."

"You would," Alan whispered, watching Charlie walk up the stairs.

_Mee-eeennn_

**And this concludes "Three Men and a Failure". Reviews are loved, Flames are dealt with, and those who do not review are scowled at, but it's not like you can see me. So…( that was me scowling. So, go back out onto the site, but…even a 'g.j.' would be loved (initials for 'good job'). Just a request. I like to know how I'm doing. Well, bye now. **DarkAngelSnapeLover**


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